Easter Egg Hunt 2013

Emma and I were lucky to be invited to a friend's house for lunch and a good ol' fashioned Easter egg hunt.  I have fond memories of when I was young -- the anxiety building up before being let loose for The Hunt.  For 32 years I was always the finder, but this year, I helped with the hiding:  another reminder of parenting and its many joys.

This was Emma's first time participating in an Easter egg hunt.  Times past, she was too young.  Her first Easter was actually spent in the NICU.  (And if I remember correctly, Emma wasn't the happiest bunny on the block about that either.)  The following picture is an image that will seriously be ingrained in my memory banks for years to come for many reasons.

Emma's first Easter...in the NICU.

So, this was a great change. 

Last night after we put Emma to sleep, I pulled Joel aside and asked him if he would help me place the loot in the plastic eggs in our bedroom.  I think, at first, I was more excited than Joel for this.  There was a sweet moment realized in this.  After all, how many children's first Easter egg hunts do we, parents, get?  We dumped out all the goodies on our bed and stuffed the plastic eggs with chocolate eggs, peanut butter cups, mini flashlights, sparkly gem stick-on earrings, silly putty, mini slinkies, swishy toys, a pig key-chain that "oinked", stickers, and lots more.  As we did this, I even saw a sparkle in Joel's eye as we reminisced about our childhoods.  Afterwards, we spent a few moments discussing what Easter truly meant to us, and how grateful we were for our Savior, Jesus Christ.  It was  such an awesome time, and one I will cherish and look back on fondly.

Here are the pictures from the picnic lunch and hunt.  (In the mix of things, I didn't grab any of the hidden eggs or the hunt itself, just the aftermath.  We hid eggs along the fence, in the grass, and hung them from tree branches.  We sequestered off a spot for the little ones to hunt, so the big kids didn't get to all the eggs first.  They all got 13 eggs each.)  It was a beautiful, sunny day in Jacksonville --  perfect weather.  I was reminded of how much I miss having a fenced-in yard!  It was so nice to have a safe place to let Emma run around and to have her play on fun jungle gym stuff.

Emma and Mommy enjoying the loot!  One of her first tastes of chocolate!
(She loves it...of course.)

The fun:

Emma taking her turn on the airplane.

(Picture taken by my friend, Carla.)

Look at that Cutie in the pink shirt!

(I'm rolling some silly putty into a ball for one of the kids,
if you're wondering what I'm doing.
And yes, that is chocolate around Emma's mouth.)

Emma is assessing her loot.

Total success!  Well, it doesn't get better than that.

24 Weeks...and Counting

I haven't really posted too much about my pregnancy to this point, other than being glad that I am pregnant in the first place, and that I am glad to still be pregnant.  (Don't want to jinx it or have regrets later.)  I have lots of people asking me how Baby #2 is doing, and how this pregnancy is going.  (Most of my posts on here, and Facebook for that matter, are about Emma and how she is doing.)  So, I will post this update about Baby Boy Christopher for anyone who wishes to see.

For anyone that knows me, you know that I am not shy about talking about pregnancy or any aspect of mothering, with all of its challenges along with the greatness.  I feel like this era of my life has given me some experience that I would like to share, and if it could help even one other person feel less crazy, less scared, more normal, more calm, more blessed, more prepared, and more informed then I would have succeeded here.

I thought I would do this post in a question-answer format.  What inspired this idea is the question that I get on an all-too-frequent basis, "How are you doing?"  Well, for me, that is a loaded question and I find it too difficult to answer truthfully and not superficially in everyday conversation.  For that reason, I think it's best to answer everyone's questions here...so we're all on the same page and you can get a good idea of what's going on.

Here goes...

How many times have you been pregnant?:
7 times, including this pregnancy.  3 miscarriages, a stillborn, Emma, a miscarriage and this pregnancy.  I found out awhile ago that sharing that I was pregnant made me feel like The Boy Who Cried Wolf.  I don't want to be That Boy.  So, I stopped announcing.  That is why most people don't find out I am pregnant until I am past the halfway point.  It is just easier that way.

Do they know what is "wrong with you"?:
If I didn't understand the meaning behind this question, I could easily be offended, but I am not easily offended.  When I hear this question, I'm tempted to answer and laugh, "More than you know, Sista/Brotha."  But, I think what people are getting at here is what the difficulty with me and pregnancy is.  The answer is we don't know what the underlying cause is.  The high risk doctors in Jacksonville think that I may have incompetent cervix coupled with having my water break too early.  That is why I had a cerclage placed and I am receiving progesterone shots.  (Usually, these two treatments are not given together, but they wanted to cover all the bases.)  Funny thing about preterm labor is that the only fundamental cause of preterm labor is preterm labor.  Go figure.

Are you crazy?!:
Yes, yes we are.  I am pretty sure the whole miracle of life is one crazy ride, and we've decided to get on, not once, but twice.  When Joel and I first got married, we both envisioned 3-4 kids at least.  Well, things are different now, but the thought of even two children in our family warms our hearts.  For whatever reason, God has granted us another chance and we are oh-so-grateful.  We know we are not in control, but He is.

What makes this pregnancy different this time around?:
1) I'm not working.  With every other pregnancy, I have been working full-time in architecture.  While taking care of a two-year old is a full-time job, I can do it in the comfort of my home and can control what and how much I do (within reason, although it is difficult still). 2) I live in non-snow country.  I slipped and fell many a time while pregnant in the past and that is just not going to happen in sunny Florida, people.  [big sign of relief] 3) No exercise or lifting.  I am not supposed to carry over 10 pounds (but that rule gets broken on an hourly basis because Emma weighs a whopping 21lbs).  4) Joel has a job (and is not in school).  Yay, financial "security", although who can say this economy is secure really? With Emma, I was working and had to quit way ahead of schedule which was a financial burden on us.  He was also in school, though his last semester, and had to commute from Rexburg to Salt Lake City, a four hour drive.  He also had to be gone a lot, so Emma and I were on our own much of the time, and that was an emotional challenge for sure. 5) We live near a medical facility that can care for a micro-preemie.  With Emma, we were flown to another state to receive medical care and were housed by friends and friends of friends.  This time, we will be able to stay in our own city and be able to continue living at home, together. 6) We have another child at home.  This makes me a little nervous.  It will be difficult dividing my time between Emma and possibly another baby in the NICU.  Leaving Emma with other people while I am at the hospital will be difficult. 7) Pelvic rest. 8) No swimming or baths. 9) Cerclage (placed around 15 weeks) and progesterone shots started shortly after (week 18).  Joel gives me the progesterone shots.  10) Two OBs, a regular OB for delivery and a high risk OB to do all scans and monitor cervical length, which gives me almost weekly monitoring.  I am measuring a very nice 4.1cm for those who care to know, which is VERY good.

Was your cervical length short with Emma?:
We don't know for sure, but when I arrived at my OB to check up because of spotting, I was 100% effaced and 4 cm dilated.

How are you feeling?:
Physically?  Mentally?  Emotionally?  I can't seem to wrap my head around this question most days.  I feel like this pregnancy has been a roller coaster already.  We've had our ups and downs for sure.  Physically, I'm doing really well.  The cerclage is holding.  My cervix is measuring long.  I haven't had contractions since I started the progesterone shots.  Aside from a little cold that won't go away, and some serious allergies, I'm feeling quite peachy.  (Well, maybe a little tired.)  Mentally, I try not to think about what could go wrong, but it's hard for me.  I try not to compare this pregnancy to Emma's, but that is doubly difficult.  Emotionally, I have my celebratory days and my sad and worrisome days.  With every day that passes, I do a little happy dance.  Seriously.

Is Emma excited about the pregnancy?:
I'm not sure if she understands what pregnancy is yet.  I tell her there is a baby in momma's belly.  So now, whenever she sees my belly, she points to it and says "baby" which is super cute.  Also, against my better judgement I showed her a real live birthing video off of Youtube.  She reacted with inquisitive eyes and again pointed to my belly saying "baby" over and over again.  I'm curious to see how she does once the baby comes.  She has always been a very sensitive child.  She shows empathy to other children that get hurt or are crying by stroking them on the hair and saying, "Oh, oh, oh".

How far along are you?:
I am 24 weeks today!

Gender?:
Boy.  Here are our gender reveal pictures we posted on Facebook at around 21 weeks.

Name?:
We haven't decided on a name, but have been called the baby "Nash" for quite awhile so we don't have to keep saying "the baby" this and "the baby" that.  Maybe it will stick, maybe not.

Body changes and symptoms? weight gain? stretch marks? nausea? headaches? cotton mouth? bloody noses? sleep?:
Um, let's just say that I gained weight more quickly with this pregnancy than the six previous pregnancies.  I started showing at around 15-16 weeks for sure.  No stretch marks yet that are new, oddly enough.  I have been using cocoa butter, and in my mind, that helps...at least with the itching.  I had nausea and some vomiting until about week 22.  I am just now starting to feel pretty good on a consistent basis, just tired.  The first trimester was full of nausea, headaches, thirst, and frequent trips to the bathroom.  The second trimester has quelled the nausea, night-time potty trips, and most of the headaches, but I have more thirst than ever.  I also developed some bloody noses for a good two weeks or so, but that has gone away.  I think it was the dry weather and my allergies that perpetuated that one. As of late, I have many sleepless nights.  I am a back sleeper, but I am trying to lie on my left side like a  good momma.  It's not working.  I am also filled with frequent anxiety, although that may be a side effect of the progesterone shots.  I am a worrier, too, which doesn't help, running all kinds of scenarios in my mind of what could happen.  I try not to think about it because it can drive me crazy.

Maternity clothes?:
I've gotten a few new comfy yoga type pants, one pair of jeans, a couple of shirts, and a few new dresses/skirts from Target and Old Navy.   I am going to have to break down and get a few more shirts though, so my belly doesn't stick out.

Nursery?:
Haven't done a single thing, but we are investing in a real crib this go around.  With Emma, we didn't have a whole lot of money or time to prepare, so she never got a decorated nursery.  I'm going to try to at least get the baby items that we need this time.

Best thing about this pregnancy so far?:
Everything.  I am so grateful for everything, even the nausea and thirst and middle-of-the-night trips to the restroom.  The frequent trips to the doctors are a blessing.  All of it is a reminder that I. am. still. pregnant.

Worst thing about this pregnancy so far?:
At around week 18, I was given the news that my spina bifida test came out positive.  For weeks, this weighed on my heart.  Would the baby be paralyzed?  or born with an exposed spine?  or never be able to be independent?  have neurological deficiencies?  or worse?  It was only a week ago, that I went in for the third anatomy scan (usually you only get one, but they were searching for more information on the spina bifida), that the doctors found the results "inconclusive".  After careful examination of the baby, they could not see any evidence or indicators linked with the diagnosis.  Therefore, for now, they are hopeful that the baby could be completely healthy, a true miracle.  (I am beginning to see a pattern here.  The doctor made a comment to me that went something like this, "You may not be very good at being pregnant, but you are really good at producing miracle babies."  Hey, I'll take it.)

And I am supposed to be on "bed rest".  The doctor said I am on "bed rest" with a wink wink because he knows I have a two year-old at home.  If my cervical length begins to shorten, he may put me on hospital bed rest.

Food cravings?:
None.  (Just fried chicken, but I don't think that has anything to do with the pregnancy.)  Weird.  Just food in general makes me happy.  With Emma, I craved sushi and sweets.  Previous pregnancies I dreamed of bowls of spinach and fresh fruit.

Movement?:
I felt this baby move since 17 weeks!  It's awesome and never grows old.  I never felt much movement or kicking with any of the other pregnancies, even Emma at 24 weeks.  I can't wait to feel more, even the kicks to the ribs.

Missing anything?:
I was so worried and sick during the first trimester that I didn't really get to enjoy the pregnancy (or take pregnancy pictures for that matter).  Also, for the past two years, my main focus has been taking care of  little Emma and that will be tough to let go!

Looking forward to anything?
I am looking forward to the third trimester!  I think I'll feel better once I pass the 25 week mark, after the time I had Emma.  I don't know if it is a mental block, but I will feel a lot better about things then.  We are so close, it actually is becoming a reality in my mind.  I am looking forward to experiencing a normal, healthy baby boy!  I am looking forward to learning how having a boy is different from having a girl.  [This is so cool to think about, I'm getting so excited just typing about it.]  I'm looking forward to having a full home.  It is so overwhelming to think about right now. in. a. good. way.

Are you getting any help?
Yes, this is a big one.  My church ward is really coming together.  For a couple months, when Joel and I were figuring out how to balance our new-found pregnancy and rules (like no lifting) and his work schedule (he works two jobs now - including most Saturdays), we had volunteers sign up to help with grocery shopping.  It was a big help.  We also have friends come help me bring Emma to the park (lifting her into and out of swings, etc.) or get ready for doctors appointments by putting Emma in her carseat.  Just having another woman there to run after her if Emma decides to be a toddler is such a help.  Also, my sister-in-law lives in town and she has been watching Emma when I go to my high-risk OB appointments every other week.  Soon, we are going to have a "nanny" friend watch Emma more full-time as bed rest becomes a more serious matter.

Pregnancy photos and milestones:
9 weeks - Found out we're pregnant!
10 weeks - Welcome first trimester, nausea and vomiting (every now and then).
11 weeks - Having to use the bathroom all the time.  Having to eat all the time.  Helps with the nausea.
12 weeks - We're due, July 9th, 2013.
13 weeks - Welcome second trimester.  Changed type of pre-natal vitamins.
14 weeks - Most of the family knows we're pregnant.
15 weeks - Starting to really show. Cerclage in place.
16 weeks - Close friends know we're pregnant.
17 weeks - We're having a boy!
18 weeks - Thrilled to feel the baby move on a regular basis. Starting progesterone shots.
19 weeks - Baby could have spina bifida?
20 weeks - Nausea is starting to die down.

21 Weeks
We announce gender and pregnancy on
Facebook.  Baby Christopher is a boy!

22 Weeks
17 doctors visits, 7+ ultrasounds,
6 progesterone shots, and 1 active baby!

23 Weeks
Baby is weighing in at 1.5 lbs!
(already heavier than Emma was at 25 weeks!)

Doctors, Doctors, Doctors!

So many of you have been wondering why we've been so quiet on our blog.  Well, aside from the lack of memory on our hard drive and trying to figure out a good archiving system/organization method for our digital files, the Christophers have been sick on and off since Halloween!  Emma and mommy have had a particularly rough go at it.  Daddy and Emma got over their strep, but a series of ear infections for Emma (6 in 6 months) led doctors to believe that her antibiotics never really worked and she had the same ear infection for nearly six months.  Of course, mommy blamed herself for not catching this earlier.  There was a fear for loss of hearing.  A hearing test showed good results, but reduced hearing in one ear.  They wanted Emma to get ear tubes and a more accurate ABR hearing test (which she was under general anesthetic for).  They decided to do them at the same time since Emma had to be under for the ear tube surgery anyways.  In addition, we've been working on an actual diagnosis for her chronic (daily) vomiting.  She also had an endoscopy with biopsies (of the esophagus, stomach and upper intestines) an hour or so after the ear tube surgery while she was still under.  When we got the results, it was mostly good news:  she did well on her hearing test after the placement of her ear tubes, there were no cancerous cells due to scarring of her esophagus from throwing up (although they found a small hiatus hernia), and the ear tube surgery went well.

Through it all, Emma was a real trooper on surgery day (Feb. 27th).

While Emma was in the waiting room for surgery,
she got to play with some cool toys.

She loves ride-on and push toys so much right now.

Waiting in the pre-op area.

She loves to color.

They had her fast so the last meal she had was the day before at 7pm.  When she woke up from surgery around 5pm, she was famished.  She ate a jelly sandwich, a veggie packet, some fruit snacks, crackers, and drank a glass of gatorade and a glass of water.  (That is a lot of food for Emma.  She usually eats that throughout one day.)

When we got home, she was tired, so we put her to sleep at 7pm.  She slept really well and acted like normal the next day.  However, the days following were terrible!  She caught rotavirus at the hospital and a bacterial infection from the doctor's office a week after that.  She basically had diarrhea, fever and vomiting for 12 days.  She had night terrors as a side effect of the anesthesia, waking up crying unconsolably every 45 minutes or so until two nights ago when she started sleeping through the night again.  She still has a runny nose and coughs, but otherwise, I think she is finally on the upward slope of getting better.  We are so grateful that everything went so well!  Soon, she will be back to her happy, healthy self again.

On Being "Normal" and What Dreams May Come

This post is about honesty, with myself and with others.  These are my truest and most genuine feelings.  They are only one biased facet of my mothering to this point, but a large part--biased based on my experiences up to this very point of my life.  I feel it is important to record them and not to forget them.  My life is gearing up for a large change and a new beginning and I don't want my experience to be lost or tainted in any way.  Soon, the years will make these feelings a distant memory, but I want to remember them just how I feel them right now.

I often wonder what it would have been like to have had a baby who was "normal".  What I mean by this is I wonder what it would have been like to have given birth on-time instead of 4 1/2 months early, held my child in my arms immediately after that great accomplishment of childbirth instead of waiting a whole month to just hold Emma for a few minutes and another two months after that to hold her when I asked a nurse if it was okay, breastfed within the first week instead of living a life of pumping/bottle-feeding/breastfeeding and teaching my child to suck-swallow-breathe until about 9 months of age, woken up every three hours in the night for feedings instead of taking shifts with my husband to monitor Emma non-stop overnight so someone was always awake to make sure she didn't stop breathing because her oxygen cannula moved or her heart didn't stop with monitors going off every few seconds, been a first-time parent and clumsily discovered how to parent instead of always questioning/worrying if my child should be hitting some milestone or doing/not doing a specific behavior due to her prematurity and not because she's just different/unique, had a child that could eat age-appropriate foods in an age appropriate way instead of having a child that doesn't suck, chew or swallow properly and vomited projectile-style all her life when happy, sad, or because of eating difficulties, to worry about what she eats and if it's healthy instead of how she eats and what texture/size the food is and if it has enough calories in it, having a child that sleeps and to not have to worry about calming her within one minute of distress instead of half-heartedly sleep training your child and not letting them just "cry it out" from the beginning because I'm afraid she will throw-up and aspirate because she is upset, had a baby that just spit up instead of one that vomits requiring cleaning vomit off of carpet multiple times a day/week, showering, changing complete outfits and struggling to re-feed a meal(s) for fear of loss of calories and inadequate long-term weight gain, showed up to the doctors for the typical monthly then yearly checkups instead of worrying if any cough or cold will lead to something fatal and going to specialty doctors on an all-too-frequent basis, and worried if I was being a good mommy based on no experience instead of having guilt for having her too early and causing her undue struggle.  In short, I wonder what it would have been like to not have had a micro-preemie.  I'm not MLK here, but I have a dream of what may come, and it may or may not include a happy, healthy new baby with a dash of "normal".

Just so you know, I'm not writing this to complain or because I don't realize/value what a miracle my daughter's life is because I do realize it each and every day second, in fact I am reminded of it, and I am oh so grateful for her life and for the opportunity to spend this time with her as her mommy.  I actually regard it as a blessing, privilege, and an honor.  I delight in it.  I love it and I love her more than words can express, moreso because of all the struggles she and I have been through.  I actually know that I am her mother for a reason and it is right and good.  I know that no one knows her like me and we will always have this special bond that only a mother and daughter have.  (I know and have perspective that many situations are far worse and brutal, like never being able to have a living child at all or having a child with a terminal illness--the list could go on.  This is just my experience.)  But...as a mother my job and natural instinct is to nurture and nourish and when a mother I can't do that, I feel like a failure...innately, immediately and fundamentally.  It is just that somewhere inside me, un-dealt with, poorly recognized and rarely verbalized, is this feeling--this longing--for what might have been.  The unanswered question of what life would have been like if I had not had a micro-preemie.  The feelings of guilt, anger, and jealousy.  It is a feeling that I was robbed of something or, in fact, of many somethings that I can never get back--precious experiences that most mothers take for granted and I wished I could have, too.

It is precisely this feeling, oddly enough, that spurs hope within my bosom.  I feel hopeful that this pregnancy will be healing and therapeutic to my soul.  My experience with Emma makes me cherish every.single.moment. being a mother.  It lets me relish in the good and the bad.  It has strengthened me to do more and to be more, and at the same time to realize I have little to do with who she is, fundamentally speaking, and that she will learn and grow at her own pace, but more importantly, be okay with that.  It has let me appreciate whatever small accomplishment she makes, any stride forward whatsoever, and taught me the word "celebration" in a way I never knew before motherhood.  It is an experience for my profit and learning and is for my good; indeed, these feelings have prepared me for what is to come and will buoy me up in times of future struggle and endow me in times of plenty. So while I wouldn't trade any of the experiences I have had with Emma, I wish that my future baby boy will not have to experience such difficult struggles so early in life and can just...well, enjoy being a typical baby and toddler.

So, forget "normal".  Who wants normal?!

I do.

Savor Every Moment with Emmy

I know that this time is short.  My unadulterated time to solely focus on my one miracle child, Emma Ruth. No worries that my time will have to be divided.  No feelings of guilt or remorse when the new baby needs me and Emma is having a hard time.  I focus on her face and on her when she is asleep.  I focus on her when she wakes up because of night terrors but then falls asleep again in my arms.  I delight in every aspect of her learning.  I try not to be frustrated when she has tantrums, but try to see it as a teaching moment.  I try to discipline with love.  I try to read to her.  We sing songs and her language is blossoming every day.  I have always told her I love her multiple times a day, but I will never tire of it.  She is so wonderful and so lovely.